My homework assignment this week for my Spiritual Practices course with Kavanna House is centered around the topic of spiritual discernment. As I was reading through some of the initial material I came across a surprising question that stopped me in my tracks.
Is my desire for God stronger than anything else?
To be honest, once the surprise wore off, I really didn’t want to sit with this question at all, but I couldn’t escape the fact that this is a really good question, especially for me.
Please hear me, I’m not scared to tackle it or work hard to answer it, but rather, I have an initial guess as to what my honest answer would be, and that saddens me because I want to answer with a resounding, “Yes!” I mean, that’s the right answer, right?
I’m so used to responding to questions with the “right” answer that I don’t know what to do with a question that isn’t necessarily interested in what’s right, but rather what is honest and how that response compels me to do certain things or make changes as I continue to follow Jesus with all my heart, soul, mind and strength and love him just the same.
So here goes…Is my desire for God stronger than anything else?
Yes…and no. (Sure sounds a bit wishy-washy doesn’t it?)
Here’s the thing, I know there are moments and situations and days when my desire for God and his kingdom rule and reign over my life is stronger than anything else. There is nothing that comes close. I’m focused and driven and my intentions and the beating of my heart are fully engaged with hearing God’s voice, enjoying his presence and walking in obedience.
I also know that there are moments and situations and days when none of that is true. Selfishness has taken over and my desire for God is at the bottom of the barrel, or worse yet, has leaked out of the barrel onto the floor.
However, even in those moments when I allow sin to have its way in my heart, I find that in the depths of my soul that I still very much want my desire for God to be stronger than anything else. As I think about that truth I find myself hopeful instead of completely discouraged and ashamed. And Have this sense that God is somehow smiling and pleased with me.
I was thinking about it like this, if You would take a look at my checkbook, or calendar, or how I spend my free time and those extra 20 minutes here and there, you would have a pretty good idea if my desire for God was stronger than everything else.
As I continue to process this question, I’m realizing that it’s really a question about relationship. And that, my friends, makes it worth the ask.